最早关于恐惧的记忆在：小时候的某天，计划生育的来到我家门口，不停地踹门索要罚款，直至破门而入，搬走一些我家里的东西，充当一些我“超生”来到这个世界的罚款。整个过程，我躲在另一个房门背后看着他们，不敢吱声，害怕自己被带走。事后，我哭喊着求妈妈把钱/罚款都给他们;家里明明有钱为什么不给他们！
我很恐惧，不知道他们没要到钱什么时候会再来！
One of my earliest memories of fear is that one day when I was a child, the family planning officer came to my door and kept kicking the door down to demand a fine, until they broke in and removed some of my belongings as a fine for coming into this world "beyond birth". The whole time, I hid behind another door and watched them, not saying anything, afraid I would be taken away. Afterwards, I cried and begged my mother to give them all the money/fine! Why not give them money when the family has it!
I was so scared, I didn't know when they would come again until they got the money!
2022年11月份，我加入一个国际英文无领导团体时，被告知这个团体有一个加入的“规则”，而邀请我的朋友认为这是个不合理的规则，因而并没有告知我。由此我的“违法”加入引发了团体的混战，有位成员（美国人）严肃地要求我立即离开。刹那间我陷入了应激，羞愧难当，我的内心在挣扎：按照规则，我现在不应该在这里，但现在我已经在这里了，并且也有成员请我不要走。我应该顺从她的指令——羞愧离场/逃跑；还是自我授权——选择留下，死死地保卫自己的权威性。
When I joined an international English leaderless group in November 2022, I was told that the group had a "rule" for joining, which the friend who invited me didn't tell me because he thought it was an unreasonable rule. My "illegal" joining caused a scuffle in the group, and one member (an American) solemnly asked me to leave immediately. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with stress, shame, and an internal struggle: By the rules, I shouldn't be here now, but now I am, and members have asked me not to leave. I should have followed her orders -- walked away in shame; Or self-empowerment -- choosing to stay and defend my authority to the death.
在这个系统中，我卷入成为了“非法移民”的角色，就如同我的父亲以非法的方式将我带进这个世界的。
这让我潜意识里在团体中为“存在”而努力——自然而然地谨小慎微，取悦他人，不敢惹麻烦，害怕不被团体接纳。直到团体里几乎所有人都说我很nice，我意识到这只是硬币的一面，并且很熟悉——我在顺应他人的期待和规则而“存在”，我失去了自我，这就像他者是“主”，我是“仆”——我无意识地成为了团体里的“二等公民”。
In this system, I became involved as an "illegal immigrant," just as my father had brought me into the world illegally.
This made me subconsciously strive for "presence" in the group -- naturally wary, people-pleasing, afraid of getting into trouble, afraid of not being accepted into the group. By the time almost everyone in the group said I was nice, I realized that this was only one side of the coin and that it was familiar -- I was "existing" in accordance with other people's expectations and rules, I was losing myself, it was like the other was "Lord" and I was "servant" -- I was unconsciously becoming a "second-class citizen" in the group.
我联想到，在心理咨询室中，时常会听到来访者说：想去北欧，某个没有人的地方；或者想去日本，那里大家都很有界限感；他们在描述一种共通的感觉：跟人相处很累。我理解这种累很重要一部分就是：人际关系中他们往往是”仆人“，而他人是“主人”，仆人在不断地取悦“主子”，不断地消耗、掏空自己。这就涉及到了团体关系里面权威的概念——他们失去了自己的权威性，或者他们从未获得过权威性，或者他们并不知道自己本可拥有权威性。
I remembered that in therapy rooms, it was common to hear clients say they wanted to go to northern Europe, somewhere where there was no one. Or go to Japan, where people have boundaries. They're describing a common feeling that being around people is exhausting. I understand that an important part of this fatigue is that they are often "servants" in interpersonal relationships, while others are "masters". Servants are constantly pleasing their "masters", constantly consuming and emptying themselves. This goes to the concept of authority in group relations -- they have lost their authority, or they never had it, or they didn't know they could have it.
我联想到社恐的人，很想逃离人群，因为内心客体都是具有伤害性的；也想到2020年疫情期间的武汉，小区里时常会向空气喷洒消毒喷雾，似乎外界是全毒的。感觉到身边都是难搞的人，或是空气都有毒，真的让人窒息。
I think that people with social phobia want to escape from the crowd, because the inner objects are all hurtful. Also think of Wuhan in 2020 during the epidemic, the community will often spray disinfection spray into the air, it seems that the outside world is completely toxic. It's really suffocating to feel like you're surrounded by difficult people or that the air is toxic.
他们总是试图用各种办法来逃离人际关系带来的困扰。有的人不停地刷手机，似乎这是最简易的止疼药；有的人尝试不断更换环境，却也总会遇到难相处的人；有的人想是不是一死了之，这样也太划不来了。这种辛苦让人逃得了一时，却逃不了一世。
They always try to escape from the troubles caused by interpersonal relationships in various ways. Some people constantly swipe their phones, as if it is the easiest pain relief; Some people try to change the environment constantly, but always meet difficult people; Some people want to die, this is too bad. This kind of hard let a person can escape for a while, but not for a lifetime.
既然逃无可逃，那就唯有学会“黑化”自己——找回硬币的另一面，做回自己的“主人”才是解决之道。尊重自己真实的感受，拥抱自己的攻击性，做自己的“主”——自己能说了算，而不是总被人牵着鼻子走；不再是幻想/依赖于另一个完美的权威，或是幻想/期望进入一个“纯真善美”的环境。
Since there is no escape, the only solution is to learn to "blacken" yourself -- to find the other side of the coin and be your "master". Respect your true feelings, embrace your aggression, and be your own "master" -- in charge, not by the nose; No longer fantasizing/relying on another perfect authority, or fantasizing/expecting to enter an environment of "pure truth, goodness and beauty".
在团体关系会议中，很容易呈现自己在生活中的角色。我看到自己是如何习惯性地想要呆在被领导的角色上，又是如何恐惧而从领导的位置上逃开；内心是如何对领导有这么多不满，却又害怕去承担领导的角色。
In Group Relations Conference, it's easy to assume your role in life. I saw how I habitually wanted to stay in the role of being led, and how I ran away from it in fear; How to have so much internal dissatisfaction with the leader, but also afraid to take on the role of leadership.
2020年第一次作为成员参加沈阳团体关系会议，直观的感受就是——花钱买罪受；2021年第二次的时候，是受邀担任行政助理，参加完之后也再也不想参加了；紧接着2022年参加了塔维中国团体关系会议，以及IGRC的中国与世界的会议，都在其中担任行政。
今年五一期间参与小型学习团体顾问培训的时候，一位同行打趣到：“怎么那个GRC都有你！”是的，2023年IGRC团体关系会议我又来了，这次角色从行政助理变成了行政助理主任。从2020年到2023年在团体关系中感受的变化，以及角色的变化，或许都代表着我内在权威、领导力的变化。
团体关系里最大的魅力之一是，这里没有“权威”教你怎么学/让你依赖，反而提供了无限的让你自主/发掘内在权威的机会。
In 2020, I attended the Shenyang Group Relations Conference for the first time as a member, and the intuitive feeling is that I pay to suffer. The second time, in 2021, I was invited to work as an administrative assistant and never wanted to do it again. In 2022, he participated in the Tavi China Relations Conference and the IGRC China and the World Conference, both of which he served as an administrator.
During the May Day this year, when I participated in the Small Study Group Consultant Training, a peer joked: "How all the GRCS have you!" Yes, I'm here again at the IGRC Group Relations Conference 2023, this time changing my role from Administrative Assistant to Assistant Director of Administration . From 2020 to 2023, the changes in my feelings in the GRC, as well as the changes in my role, may represent the changes in my inner authority and leadership.
One of the great beauties of group relationships is that there is no "authority" to teach you/make you depend, but rather endless opportunities for self-empowerment/inner authority.
回到最开始，2022年11月那个无领导团体的当下，在团体中成员要求我立即离开时，我没有离开，因为“权威的种子”已经萌芽——我决定让自己留下！
Going back to the very beginning, to the present moment of the leaderless group in November 2022, I didn't leave when members of the group asked me to leave immediately, because the "seeds of authority" had sprouted -- I decided to stay!
愿每个人都能更好地发挥自己的权威与领导力，活出自我！
I hope everyone can better play their own authority and leadership, live out their own!